Westminster digested

Everything's on the up. Inflation, unemployment . . .

Cameron: We're undertaking a radical reform of the second-rate NHS.

Lansley: Yeah, we're going to dismantle it. We're stopping the wimps from getting treatment for minor cancers.

Cameron: Gosh, Lansers, I had no idea we were going that far . . .

Lansley: I've barely started Cams. We're getting GPs to do the admin so they don't need to waste time on patients, and we're replacing local clinics with field hospitals.

Osborne: Top show. If scroungers really wanted to get well, they'd take out private health insurance . . .

Cameron: Oh dear, it's all going wrong. I rather thought just saying, "I love the NHS, me" would win everyone over.

Clegg: Don't be sad, Daddy. I love you to the moon and back. And I think you are really, radical. As radical as Tony.

Hague: Oh fuck. That means you're going to start a war.

Cameron: That's not such a bad idea, Baldy. It worked for Maggie.

Osborne: But everything's on the up. Inflation is up, unemployment is up.

Cameron: I'm not sure you've got the hang of this, Ozzy . . .

Gove: Good news, my liege.

Cameron: And what cunning plan do you have this week, squit?

Gove: Sire, I have abolished EMAs and given teachers more freedom by making the curriculum more prescriptive.

Cameron: Is everyone who works for me a complete idiot?

General public: It looks that way.

Cameron: God, how can I spin this?

Coulson: You could say: "We are a listening government."

Hague: Coming from you, that's an unfortunate turn of phrase.

Coulson: I swear I neffa listened to anyone, right, ! and I'll kill anyone who says different.

Cameron: Come on chaps. I've asked Andy outright, "How come you were the only person at the News of the World to know nothing about phone-hacking?" And he's told me it's because he's very, very stupid. That's good enough for me.

Clegg: I've never told any lies, Daddy!

Osborne: Yes you have. Tuition fees.

Clegg: Boo-hoo. That's not fair, is it politician-formerly-known-as-Vince?

Cable: My name is Vince Cable. I was once a serious politician.

Milidee: Hear no policy, see no policy, speak no policy.


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