In less than rude health over NHS reforms
Andrew Lansley clutches to jargon like a shipwreck survivor clings to flotsam as his bill gets stormy Commons reception
Poor Andrew Lansley had to introduce his bill to reorganise the NHS today. Unwanted, unpromised and unwieldy, the bill seems to be unloved by many Tories and Lib Dems as well as being loathed by Labour MPs.
The health secretary had to fight his way through a barrage of shouting, jeering, barracking and hostile interventions. I won't say he crumbled; no one left his cake out in the rain. But he got extremely jittery, um'ming, ah'ing and er'ing like a supply teacher on a Friday afternoon. He had to keep pleading to be allowed to make progress, that other people wanted to speak and, after a while, he began to ditch whole sections of the speech, abandoning them to the enemy, like arctic explorers flinging another husky to the pursuing wolves.
Even David Miliband made a rare Commons appearance chuntering to anyone who would listen. Normally he is in Portcullis House, across the way, chuntering to anyone who might listen.
Mr Lansley grew increasingly rattled. Each intervention seemed to send him off on a different path. One moment we were in mid-Staffs, the next in the Czech Republic. Strange formulations crawled out of his mouth. Denis MacShane pointed out that soon we would all be able to seek healthcare in Europe, paid for by the NHS. Mr Lansley said that cut both ways, then produced a convoluted construction which seemed to imply that it wouldn't matter because nobody on the continent would want to come here for healthcare. I may be doing him an injustice, but that's how it came out.
"Labour cut the NHS budget!" he yelled in anguish, to incredulous shrieks from the other side. "Whaaaaa?" went Labour MPs. One cried, "Oh, grow up!"
Clive Efford was worried that some hospitals would collapse financially. Since the government had found the cash to save Irish banks, would it find the cash to save endangered hospitals?
Something inside M! r Lansle y seemed to snap. "Time does not permit me to explain the extraordinary ignorance in that questions!" he barked.
As the noise continued, he clutched at jargon like a survivor from a shipwreck clings to flotsam. We were in the mysterious world of "outcome frameworks", "engaging front-line clinicians", "local service designs", "a diverse and vibrant social market for healthcare". Apparently, "health and wellbeing boards will bring strategic coherence." Is there a meaning in there? Impossible to say.
His Labour shadow gave a tough and spirited reply. My only anxiety is that John Healey, with his sallow, cadaverous face and hairless scalp, does not look quite as healthy as a health spokesman might. In fact, if I were a nurse passing his bed, I might be tempted to pull the sheet up over his head.
He was interrupted by Mr Miliband who claimed that competition based on quality worked better than competition based on price. Mr Healey turned round graciously to acknowledge his lost leader. "Once again, my Rt Hon friend is absolutely right!" he simpered. There are some people who believe that the king over the water will soon be back on the ferry.
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